People seem to love to close out the year with a good list. Top 10 albums, top 100 beet recipes, top 5 children thought to have flown away in a giant Jiffy Pop container. Since 2009 was the year I got caught up in the whole twitter thang (and forgot all about this blog with it's long prose and frightening unlimited characters) I thought I'd pay homage to my favorite funny tweets with my own top 20 list. (It was supposed to be 10 but I just couldn't cull the list).
Here they are in no particular order.
Yesterday, they complained that my leftover pasta smelled bad, so today It's leftover salmon. Seriously folks, I am not to be trifled with.
What I lack in sophistication, I make up for in fake vomit sounds.
Tried putting my tweets on Facebook to get likes, now my relatives want to commit me.
The scariest movie monster has to be the Invisible Man. Because he's a naked man. And he might be sitting on your sofa.
I go to sleep not knowing how crazy people will dominate the news this week, only that they will.
You complete me, but only because I was too lazy to do it myself.
Describing this song, I don't think "featuring" is the proper term. It should be "with" or more acurately "ruined by" Bruce Springsteen.
HULK HATE SCRABBLE HULK ONLY HAVE VOWELS
Palm tree on my street has a big audition for a Corona commercial. But he's kind of a dick so I hope he doesn't get it.
Now that it gets dark so early, you really should heed safety expert Neil Diamond's advice and turn on your heart light. WHEREVER you are
Confession: I once broke up with somebody because they had an AOL account. It's still the best decision I've ever made.
As I was running 3 cold rainy miles at 5AM it occurred to me that I could just tell the internet I ran, and it couldn't prove that I didn't,
Seriously, Eileen, Come On #1hitwonderfollowup
Some days you're a responsible adult and some days you make yourself a PB&J sandwich cut into triangles and cry for your mommy.
Bernie Madoff's personalized blue satin Mets jacket sold for $14,500 at auction. I'm starting to think he wasn't the entire problem.
Would it be weird if I came to your house and just watched you sleep? I promise nothing creepy. Maybe just some fingers in your mouth.
I would sincerely like to thank Steve Jobs and the folks at Apple for inventing a phone that corrects me when I misspell the word "poops."
Weird. You said, "Join my awesome fantasy football league" but all I heard was "I don't ever get laid".
Doritos *get* me.
Well played, dramatically overused two-word substitute for a punchline. Well played.
Keep 'em coming in 2010!
Enjoy my list. I SAID enjoy it.